Dead Animal

Friday, August 21

This spring, I had a disturbing experience at my country home. After skipping a few weekends due to the cold and the holidays, warmer weather finally beckoned, and I headed out to the beach to chill out.

When I entered the house, a foul smell assaulted me. It was subtle at first, but it was clearly the odor of decomposition. First thought: a small animal, seeking shelter from the cold, had chewed its way under my foundations and met its demise in my crawl space. Raccoons have been known to do this, as well as small rodents. Worse yet, I had recently heard a story about a man who had detected an errant odor in his home after returning from vacation, and ultimately found the body of a hapless would-be burglar stuck in his chimney.

Worst of all, the odor seemed untraceable. It was definitely worse when I opened one of my cabinets where I store pots and pans. The utensil drawer above the pot and pan cabinet was also pretty redolent of rotting mammal.

I did a cursory inspection of the cabinet, gingerly moving things around, in full expectation that I might discover a horrid congealed pile of hair with a toothy rictus of death. But I found nothing.

Crawling around on my hands and knees under the crawlspace with the prospect of encountering decaying animal remnants was not an appealing prospect. I e-mailed my handyman and asked him to check around. Then I resolved to put the foul odor out of my mind. I would just open the drawers and cabinets in question only when necessary. Besides, I reasoned, it'll soon be warm, and nature's decomposing forces would work their wonders, and the smell would eventually abate (how's that for denial?).

My handyman's verdict, yep, probably a dead mouse. Who knew where it might be concealed. Did I want him to rip out the cabinets and then start pulling up the floorboards?

No thanks, I said, I can tough it out, the smell will eventually go away of its own accord, it's up to the cycle of nature. Besides, applying scientific reason, I rationalized that no one ever became sick from an odor, the ancient concept of disease-bearing miasmas has been superseded by the germ theory--germs can't fly!

Still, the odor persisted, weekend after weekend, and eating off those utensils that had been marinating in the stench seemed unappetizing to say the least.

So, unable to determine from whence the odor came, I decided at the very least to move my pots and pans and silverware out of harm's way, but not before a brisk trip through the dishwasher.

I steeled myself to the task one morning, and started pulling out the stuff. I was almost done, when I noticed that one pot was especially odoriferous. OK, this was the moment of truth, the part in the horror movie where you cover your face with your hands. Gingerly I lifted off the cover, and a particularly horrible smell assaulted my nostrils. I pulled the lid off, revealing a gruesome sight: a mound of grey congealed material lay in the dish, covered with a fuzzy black mold from which a gleaming dark fluid seemed to ooze. What the . . . ???!!!

My brain struggled to reconcile the image with the nauseating sharp smell. But gradually, the outlines of a familiar object seemed to emerge from the muck--it was the exoskeleton of a few decomposing stalks of asparagus.

Apparently, probably over Christmas months ago, I or someone else had seen the covered pot, assumed there was nothing inside, and then just slid it back in the cabinet--voila!

Asparagus, unique among the plant kingdom, contains substances that mimic animal protein--in fact asparagus, because of its high xanthine content is discouraged in certain metabolic diseases where animal protein should be minimized, including gout.

Mystery solved! The moral of the story--and there is a take-home message for medical diagnosis--is don't let your first impressions lead you down the wrong path. Dig relentlessly to find the source of the problem, and don't engage in wishful thinking that "it'll just go away." Always investigate, as unpleasant at the task might at first seem. You might find something completely unexpected!